Design, Design, Design
That is what my brain is telling me (more like yelling) every damn second of my "life". I am a frustrated student of architecture, not frustrated by architecture. I should be realizing my dream of becoming an architect, not the next big celeb-like or the next household name. Just an architect. And what the hell is an architect? Most would say a persona that designs houses. And that is not wrong, but it falls short. I will not start an intellectual debate about what is an architect. Suffice to say that an architect conceives, designs, and build dreams. Simple yet powerful. It is not easy working just steps away from my (should I dare say it?) my alma mater
(gulp!). Seeing people that keeps studying there and see them succeed (that is what I think anyways) makes me understandably jealous but I know it is unjustifiable to feel this way. Most of them have what it takes to be an architect and I am not talking about talent (what is talent anyways?) or the drive to pursue this career. No. I am talking about the Dead Presidents. Money, people. Most of them are from families that can afford a college tuition. Not me. I have tried twice to fulfill my dream and twice have been denied from even completing a year because I have no money. The first time I tried to embark into this voyage for life that I think is being an architect my father told me that he would not keep paying my tuition even when he promised that he would help me doing so. I am a person that was denied financial aid because of the income that was never there when I was young. I could not ask for loans because I was a minor that could not be emancipated because I wasn't even old enough for a driver's license. So I had to drop out and become part of the work force. This is where I should say what I did in the meantime but I choose not to. I grew older and made the worst mistake of my life: return to Puerto Rico. Goddamned! I really hate the majority of the people that live here that I encounter on my everyday. Reasons abound as to why I hate them. However, it is my belief that I could do something to stir people to the right path. "The right path". I sound so pathetic thinking like a visionary, a dreamer, but that is my biggest (or one of them) defect. I am by default a dreamer. Sometimes my dreams become clouded because I fail to take into account the realities that surround us. I do dream of a world without hunger, without violence, and without pain. But that is not something feasible. It is not real to think that a perfect world will happen. But what are we to become if we do not try? What will I become if I don't try to be? I have tried to quell, crush, and pulverize this dream of mine, this need to be a designer. And I am not talking about designing clothes. I dream of designing spaces for the betterment of humans. Am I too vain? I have no idea. I try to be me but it is increasingly hard for me to be a dreamer when all I have around is reality and these incessant screams from my inner self to realize and to be what I want to be. It doesn't have to happen in 5 years (which is the length of the degree). It will take a long time and hard work but I am committed in doing so and achieving it. Only then I will stop yelling at myself and start smiling once again at how beautiful is life. But as Pedro Calderón de la Barca said: "All life is a dream, and dreaming as well." If this is true, I guess I'm fucked.